There’s no way he could write a book” “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. Gagster’s Paradise 2019. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” “I’m rubbish with names. Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit Luckily, my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. What’s the point?” “I’m looking for the girl next door type. I said, ‘Yes, of course. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her” “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. One-liner comedian Gary Delaney tells David Hennessy why he’s looking forward to performing in Ireland, why he stays away from political comedy and how he upset the island of Jersey. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy” “What’s driving Brexit? It’s been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Get yourself in the mood for the world’s largest comedy festival returning with these priceless jokes and one-liners that failed to win the coveted crown.“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Soy seems to be the hardest word.” “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West” “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? Live at the Apollo Xmas Special. – That’s 20 cows'” “A thesaurus is great. '” “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us.
Riveting!” “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.” “Crime in multi-storey car parks. I was the only thing between H and JK.” “I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.” “Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off?” “Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.” “Someone stole my antidepressants. Blue sky at night. But it depends how you look at it.” “My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. That’s tapas” “Red sky at night. Part 5 of my Mock the Week playlist. From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. Then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.I shouted 'Stop!' There’s a name for it…” “I have two boys, 5 and 6. Due to high demand we’ve added a major extension for Gary’s tour into 2019, including some second and third dates in places that sold out too fast: seetickets.com. But he hesitated” “Combine Harvesters. Credit: Gary DelaneyHe said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!" This is two more 'Wheels of News' sets (a.k.a the stand up round) on Transport and Technology. It was a tribute act” “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Should’ve been called ‘Look Who’s Hawking’, that’s my only criticism” “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.” “I wanted to do a show about feminism.
But my husband wouldn’t let me.” “Money can’t buy you happiness? We couldn’t afford a dog.” “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I watching a weird porn the other day. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” “This show is about perception and perspective. Because he’s Tudor.” “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?”“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” “Trump’s nothing like Hitler.
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